I would hear this phrase so much when I would speak to other mums (before I even fell pregnant!). I didn’t see the big deal, and I really didn’t understand. Almost the second Harlow popped out, it’s been on my mind more than ever. You can’t help by feel guilty. I will have my days when Harlow is completely occupied by either following me around the house in her bouncer as I clean each room, or she’s quite happily keeping herself entertained by staring at her feet – Yep! She’s finally realised they’re attached to her. Then, there are other days when I just can’t find the energy to move, and so it’s a case of Harlow sitting on my lap as we both watch a spot of TV, both in our pjs and barely moving.
The mum guilt can be so overwhelming.
Not yet being back at work
People continuously ask me when I’m going back to work, and for someone who hasn’t been out of work longer than a month, you feel ashamed when you say you don’t actually know. Harlow is only 3 months old, and I feel as if I should’ve been at work when she was 3 days old. I don’t know why I feel like that. It’s not as if I’m at home doing nothing. Yes, there are days when that does happen, but I have a University course that I’m doing at home. I need to give myself some credit. I will go back to work when I’ve figured out my finances and when I have a bit of this year planned out (big things will be happening, I can promise you that!). No matter how I feel about it all now, I 100% feel guilty that I’m not earning more or contributing to society.
Mummy isn’t well
I’m not on about a sickness bug, or a cold. Not just that. I mean when my BPD plays up, or I’m having a really bad anxiety day. You can’t help but having everything get to your head, and you end up thinking you’re this terrible person. It’s tough, and the worst thing, is you start to feel A LOT of mum guilt. You question everything. In reality; it’s a bad day, not a bad life.
Needing a break
It’s been 3 months and I so wish I could have a break. Just some more time for a nap, without being woken by a screaming baby. I’d love to eat my food in peace, and to just sit back and relax without having to listen out for every noise. It’s horrible because I know people who would kill for a baby, and I’m here complaining about needing just an hour to myself to relax in the bath. You end up feeling guilty, not only for your child who you should want to spend every waking hour with, but also for other women who are either unable to have children or have spent so long trying.
Mum guilt is terrible, but it’s okay to contradict yourself on a daily basis. Looking at your child/ren with pride and accomplishment one minute, and then wanting to run for the hills the next. It’s completely okay to let out a sigh of relief when you put the baby down for a nap, and they actually settle. It’s okay to not have the energy to play all day. Sit back and realise how much you do for your child every single day.
We don’t always have to be motivated and enthusiastic. It’s okay because nobody is perfect. Look at your children and how happy they are, and how loved they are. We do the best we can every single day – give yourself credit.
You’re doing great!