How I really feel…

It’s taken me a long time to actually talk about how I really feel about being a mum. To be honest, it’s been great keeping it together and taking to it all so easily and quickly. The instinct us women feel about our children is incredible. Although, it has been the most eye-opening, hard-working, draining and emotional 12 weeks of my life (so far!).
The hardest part for me was the fact that I’m two stone heavier than I was when I fell pregnant. I know that it’s the usual thing, and yes, my body has somewhat gone back to pre-pregnancy body, BUT having suffered from an eating disorder for so many years beforehand, it does disgust me. It’s really hard. I wouldn’t want to get into the state I was before I fell pregnant because I need all the energy I can get, and I ended up being really ill, but I need to lose weight.
Also, there have been nights where I’ve felt so hopeless, and felt like I really wasn’t up to being a mum. It’s hard enough when you’re in a relationship and trying to bring a baby up, and I totally respect every mum, single or not, but being single is so much pressure and so much more isolating. Well, it is for me anyway.
Not only that, but I feel rather crappy about the fact that Harlow is missing out on seeing her cousins and Aunties and Uncles. Also, her Nan. It’s really difficult for me now. It was hard all through my pregnancy, because I really could’ve done with my Mum, but having a baby and remembering what it was like for my two nieces having everyone around for a couple of years, it’s upsetting!
All of that aside, I LOVE being a mummy. I love waking up to Harlow every morning. I love going up to her in the cot after she’s had a nap to her smiling little face looking up at me. She’s an incredible little girl, and I can tell she’s going to be so strong. I know for a fact that she’s going to be a pain in my bum, but which child isn’t!
I’m taking each day as it comes, and I’m really excited for the year ahead.


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