As many of you may (or may not) know, I’ve just had a baba. . It’s crazy how quickly time flies. I still feel as if it’s not 100% true, or as if I’m still 5 weeks. Although, as much as I tell myself that things aren’t going as fast, my growing baby says different.
I have a mental disorder, and before pregnancy, I was still purging and starving. Those feelings and emotions don’t stop just because you have another human growing inside of you. It’s hard to accept, and I’m not all there yet, but I’m more than half way.
I’ve decided to share my experience on being pregnant and suffering from an eating disorder. Maybe someone else is in the same position, or others may just be interested. As I haven’t exactly been quiet about my diagnosis, but the eating disorder isn’t something I shout out about. When I wasn’t harming, or even when I was, starving and purging was just another form of control. Being pregnant, you have 0 control. You can’t control when you’re going to feel nauseous, you can’t control the rate in which your entire body changes, you can’t control (and never could) what other people think or do regarding your pregnancy.
Not far into my pregnancy, I had an appointment with my Community Psychiatric Nurse and two women who are part of the Perinatal Team. They offered me help with ‘bonding with the bump’ and understanding what happens during and after pregnancy. I’m a very quiet person when it comes to speaking fully to people about how I feel or what I think. I kept quiet about the fact that I know all of these things, and that I bond with the bump/baby in my own time, in the privacy of my own company. I didn’t attend the next appointment. I don’t regret not attending either. Although, it may help others who haven’t looked so in depth about everything beforehand. Nobody can prepare you for birth. You can become more aware of what will be going on, but you don’t know what’s going to 100% happen, until you’re in that position. What’s the point in trying to be shoved into an unknown situation? In my eyes, it was pointless.
I never really spoke about the pregnancy. I was happy to tell people how many weeks I was, but they try to touch my stomach and it makes me cringe. I don’t feel comfortable about being open about it, and I definitely don’t feel comfortable when people touch it. It’s nothing personal to anyone, but it’s a case of I’m not okay with the way I am with my body. Just because I was pregnant, doesn’t take away those feelings of hatred towards my body. I doubt it changes for anyone who has suffered with these same feelings before pregnancy.
When I first found out I was pregnant, I stopped everything. I am 10 months self harm free, and have been ensuring I eat all the right foods, and even when I don’t want to eat, I basically force the food down my throat. It’s hard, but it needs to be done.
Don’t get me wrong, I was over the moon about the pregnancy, and I love being a mummy. It’s the most heart-warming feeling ever. BUT, I’m looking forward to having my 6 week check up so I can get back into exercise and losing the rest of this baby weight.